You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
