The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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