she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
