I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Randomize
