Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
