Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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