Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
