Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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