just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Randomize
