what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
