Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
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