I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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