how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
How does one acquire holy water?
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
