Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
