Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Randomize
