if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
So much rum. So many feels.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
