She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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