Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
