he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
