and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
