i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
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