My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
