i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
