Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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