maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
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