There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Randomize
