just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
