i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
