i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Best friends brother. Beat that.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
