fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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