They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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