My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
