You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
