I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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