he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
