Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
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