Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
