i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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