so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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