I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
