I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
