Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
