I think I died a long time ago.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
