i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Randomize
