I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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