thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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