guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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