remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
