everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
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