Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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