I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
