Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
